About Us

2023 I had that ghostly soul searching beautiful dream, she remembered me, she was, and still is beyond sexy, had my heart, us like little kids tied in a Romeo and Juliet knot pure and innocent and ready for more of the best. 

2024Within months of meeting her, and falling in, more then deeper head of heals, love, and dreaming of the AMERICAN DREAM, and her as my wife to dedicate a beautiful journey my mom brother and sister would be proud, as the first kid out of the house, I had my first terrible Navy experiences, that quickly rapidly secretly started to sabatoge that wonderful thought of a good life. You will see all the reports on this web site, of that navy experience, that show, even the Navy High Command did not even want around, that are ignored when explaining my navy service,  in any government denials of support found on this web site.

I sit trying to recreate a life. but those first 8 years stuck in that navy experience I could not remove myself from, a government contract, they will not let you loose from, really is a complex mental place.

1995 You may not believe this, within months, definitely less then a year into giving my heart and dreams of my life, to my first love, and falling deep into love, I was already ill, and would lose her, completely mute, in shock, stuck in a Navy assignment that was well torture. She left for good reason, but was unaware of what I was dealign with, as I was unaware myself, but I was just in a shock I could not understand or relay. This traumatic stress that withered a temple of young man being built, that I never talked about or understood then, and this is as twisted as life can get, as if a car accident happens due a drunk, right after you meet the first love of your life, The Government, for what ever reason creates turmoil, purposely only due budgetary excuses, starts the mid 1990s extreme Military Downsizing, in the mid 1990s, just as you join 18 years old 1994. They literally sold in 1995, the first Navy Ship, the USS Copeland FFG 25 you had been assigned for 1 year, and were successful as a QM Apprentice (Navigator) of which you invested untold hours dedicated study, without compensation, in a reserve contract that only pays you when you are on the ship. You got to know and trust and bond with the crew who infact take you under their wing and it felt more then amazing, and hence I was bold enough to directly fall in love with this girl angel dream come true to a young man focused on destiny, margin dreams come true, living the American Dream. 

But, without warning, assigned you to another ship crew, the USS SIDES FFG 14, that disregarded all previous valuable technical navigator experience, and assigned me to the notorious difficult detail on the ship in Deck Department, crushing all momentum. I was hit and taking on debilitating realities form there on, in a contract you can resign or deny, unlike any other federal job, and further more records show never offered any to medical support or leadership counseling, even after my Navy to Army transfer was medically disqualified off that ship in 1998. They say bad things might happen if I was living in North Korea, or fighting the known identified enemy, but this was not warned about or monitored for the affect it had. 

They say blue balls but what about blue life?

I try to use this web page to capture the torn fabric of one dream that was given in trust to your own country, that gets caught in a nightmare of despair, as you finally wake up to recall, you signed a military contract, joining a minority class as slim as 1% of your   population who will voluntarily sign a federal military enlistment contract at 18 years of age, the bravest of the brave a mix or all races and colors who throw any fear of the unknown away, to join this team, to protect the majority, that soon turns reality on its head and your trust is directed into an assignment that has no historical success that successfully injures you, then all your relationships, then trust in any organized realities putting you in the streets ill with no support ever rendered, and denials of support when finally requested. 

If I would of said this fact pattern happened to you as the direct result of your sexuality, religion, or race then the majority of your society would understand rapidly and sympathize and remedy and hold reparation meetings, but because you are that 18 year old joining the military to protect all those of every sexuality religion or race, , then the government denials even from the Department of Justice of support, accountability, and restitution will continue in broad daylight as the news seemingly will not focus of understand and not report on this fundamental

There was beyond passionate fire moments that led to the worst ever pain, and first ever introduction to blue balls ouch, as I was ready to start a family and bond with her, but that christian thing I wanted to hold onto that oath to wait till marriage, as I wanted to honor our relationship like that passionate 

-1995 We met at the College Christian Club-

This was the beautiful girl I would have been shy to talk to in high school. but now that I was doing well in the Navy and only 19 , I had some moxy, and we started dating, and I owned it with my collectors edition 64 Chevy SS  Impala that I had purchased with my bootcamp money

The times of digital cameras was not yet a thing, so I don't have pictures, as this was a short lived experience, save this beautiful picture of me on her desk at home from a polaroid. 

Life Sucks

The issue of Virginity came up as we were 19 and 18 in our relationship, as I was a new burgeoning Christian, having gone to church for the first time as an adult in bootcamp, on the base, on our private Sundays. 

I was no longer a virgin, as I lost that to a older girl in the Navy already, but she was. 

I was young and of course I loved sex. Pornography was not a thing, as there was no internet like today. 

But sex was not the only thing on my mind. I wanted to build a life, hence I joined the Navy already, and to me she her Alisha was my soul mate, I had figured a few weeks possibly, into meeting.

Did it take me a long time to ask questions and be skeptical, to join the Navy and consider all my options, or did I look at the yellow pages, see something that sounded good, to serve my country and better my own life, a win win for all, just 18, and sign those documents with virtually no questions asked, and unlimited trust? I signed and went and was meritoriously graduated in bootcamp

As the case of my soul was to be honest, as I had to spill the beans already passing background checks with nothing to hide to enter the military, and even my blood type was on my Navy ID Card,  and I wanted to honor that, and. dive deeper into Christianity, and wait till we were married to do it I suppose perfectly, honor god, etc etc etc

I wanted to make love, and 

Im telling you! I designed handwritten poems. Believe it or not I really believed I met my one and only and I was dedicated to be perfect just like I was already in the Navy succeeding with the goal of being a Officer by 22 and really start that life with her.

1995 was that time

I remember meeting her  to remember, and now recall I saw her there, on the other side of the room, in cute dark hippy emo alternative attire,  and she actually walked up to me, and introduced herself. I was a very together guy. She was the girl who I could never talk to as I was shy before in school. But now, This once shy guy in High School, was a now proud Navy Guy, with the American Flag on my Back, in a program that sent me to college at the same time I was assigned to a ship. 

Her dad was a Vietnam Army Veteran which peaked my new mystysicm for the role of the male and honor and pride, as I would ask him directly for the honor to marry his daughter only months after meeting. The rings I would have were gifted to me by a woman Shirley Estinson who had saved this set in her dresser in her room,  after her lover a pilot passed away in WW2. She relaid that she was a nurse in WW2 and had been saving this ring set, a white gold vintage ring set. Of course I was beyond honored, as this was mystical. I had just recently successfully passed bootcamp meritioursly graduated and going to college to be an officer and assigned to a ship as the same time, and I met the woman of my dreams, who i wanted to marry, protect, make dreams come true, start my American dream, where my mom would flourish as well with grandkids etc etc etc etc.

It was only, less then a year, possibly only 4 months after meeting, and falling in love, that bad things started happening on the ship, that if it were a bully, I was getting knocked around and scared to death, and losing my soul, which affected and destroyed everything around me, leaving only my assignment to the ship I could not leave 

I lost my lover my best friend my dream by 1998 right after my Navy Army Transfer was Medically Disqualified for reasons untold to me, which only solidified my fear, a young injured kid, with a military enlistment that was putting him through hell, he oujld not leave, voluntarily, wihtout fear of being death numerous certain life altering administrative punitive penalties from the possibly brig, to dishonorabled discharge, if I stopped showing up for duty

I was a mess a few years into knowingm 

I remember one time on deployment I hastily tried to fit in with some other guys and go to my first and last brothel. I instantly confesed to her when I returned to the states, But it was like a death nail as I had lost all previous ability to have a sense of my own reality to fulfill being a man that was healthy to provide for her

1997 

we were going down

I was injured

I was shocked

I was trapped 

the navy had turned into darkness

I went to the movie alone

Titanic

I envisioned 

Alisha and I

I was a brave kid

but they would not care

I still very much remember going to the movie alone

I could of called her

I should have

but I felt like such a bad lover

I felt crushed 

I did not want to infect her

now read what you read about the nrf and sam program

and you see what I did not know

and the stress

and the results